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George Carlin Pearls:

  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is it because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all" ?
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
  • If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"; to have an "S" in it?
  • Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  • If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards
  • Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  • OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
  • If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
  • There are three religious truths:
    1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
    3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  • Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you Put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
  • If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why isn't a person who drives a race car called a racist?
  • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  • Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  • Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're probably cramming for their final exam.
  • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered...what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  • If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
  • Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
  • Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
  • Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
  • Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
  • Does killing time damage eternity?
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
  • Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
  • Day light savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
  • Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
  • Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
  • Do pilots take crash-courses?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
  • Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
  • Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just hipped out a quarter?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
  • How can there be self-help "groups"?
  • How do you get off a non-stop flight?
  • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?
  • If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday"?
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
  • If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
  • If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends too?
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
  • If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
  • If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made of?
  • If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
  • If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
  • If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
  • If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  • Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
  • Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
  • Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we're already there?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

 

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